Friday, August 31, 2012

Chilly Feet


I've been told it's normal, every new parent feels it to some degree at one point or another during their pregnancy. Even so, it still feels like somehow I am shaming my maternal duties by admitting that I might have the smallest case of.. GASP, cold feet. Don't get me wrong. There's nothing I would rather be doing at this place in my life than growing my family and laying roots. 
It's like buyers remorse. Well, that sounds bad. You spend hours at your computer lusting after this beautiful pair of boots. (Go with me here.) You work hard and save your pennies until at last, the inconceivable, glorious boots are yours for the taking. You buy them. You collect them from the mailbox all wide-eyed and excited! You put them on. They're awesome. And then you stare in the mirror at your stately new footwear and realize you bank account is empty, you spent loads of extra hours working to save up, and what do you have to show for it? Boots. Are they great boots? Sure. But alas, you're second guessing yourself about what was once CLEARLY the right decision. 
William and I want this child, prayed for this child, and are now being blessed to be having this child in a little over a month. We are so happy and excited! But I can't help but to sometimes think to myself, won't this change everything? What is life going to look like after a baby? Are Will and I going to be the same? Are our friends going to treat us differently? What things are we going to have to say "no" to now, in the name of being responsible parents? I'd be lying if I say it had never crossed my mind, and that I wasn't a little scared.
 It isn't just about how our lives are going to change. It's also, even more-so, the fact that we are forever responsible for a new life. We are solely liable for sustaining it's life, providing it with necessary comforts, and teaching it how to grow to live and thrive in our world. That is big. The mistakes and successes we make will forever shape the baby that will come to be an adult. We are forming it into who it will be. The choices we make now will forever change and shape and dent and impress upon the life that is coming to be. We have 18 years to do the best we can to teach them- and then, that's it. They either are thanking us for what we've done or cursing us for what we haven't. Maybe both. But either way, being a parent is going to be the single most challenging, scary, humbling, teaching, rewarding, exciting, frustrating, life-changing title that I will ever have. I pray that we will be able to raise him or her up in the love and admonition of the Lord. I pray that we will pass our good traits, and try to avoid the ones that aren't. I hope that s/he will be gracious on us when we fail. Which will happen, a lot. I am striving to be really, really awesome parents.
I want to figure that those fears of inadequacy, change, and responsibility will pale in comparison to the rush of pride and excitement and overwhelming love that we feel when we first see our little one. My feet and I are warming up to the idea that everything will change. Nothing will be as it was; I have a hunch it's going to be much, much better.

1 comment:

  1. Oh sweet mama. You will be SO happy with the outcome. Things will be different forever for the better. As long as you and will center your lives in the lord you will have a happy child. Cant wait to see baby K.

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